*this is really long, but i think it's funny. enjoy!
it was a beautiful thursday afternoon. spring had just arrived and with the sounds of the birds, the light cool breeze in air, it seemed like things were finally taking a turn for the better. granted, the brown dirty snow that is still the remnants of winter don't really make for a beautiful walk in the park, but on this particular day, it didn't seem like anything could go wrong.
i hadn't gone into work that morning because i had to write an exam. not only do i think that i did amazingly well on it, but the picture perfect spring weather definitely made this day seem that much better. i had a spring in my step and homemade chocolate cheesecake waiting for me in the fridge. i had absolutely nothing to complain about and was hoping for nothing to take away this absolutely fantastic mood that i was in.
when i got to work i was met with a very flustered assistant who had just gotten off the phone with a man who, by the look on her face, had a very unpleasant demeanor.
"what's wrong emily?" i asked, fairly concerned. "i just got off the phone with philip at the crematorium," she said. "apparently we were supposed to be there an hour ago to drop someone off but everyone is out at a service!" i could see the panic in her eyes and knew that i had to do something. "well, why don't you and i go. it's not like i've never dropped anyone off at the crem before." i said, hoping this would take away a little bit of the tension i could now easily see in her shoulders.
"do you think we could do it?" she said, with an absolutely unconfident tone in her voice. "why not. it's not far and i can load the casket and we'll be on our way." i said confidently before adding, "easy peasy!" with a lighthearted laugh.
"oh my goodness lynette, you are a life saver! i could kiss you right now, but then that would make our working relationship a little awkward so on second thought, have a hungarian sugar cookie... low in calories, rich in taste!" some of the colour had finally started to return to her already pale face and i could see her starting to relax as she turned to head out of the director's den.
as emily got to the door and looked in the garage, she froze with a look of complete terror and spun around on the spot, eyes wide with a sudden horrific realization.
"where's the van?" it was more of a whisper, so i barely heard her. but as my mind finally got to the same page as hers, a slight anxiety rose up in my stomach and was making a very slow journey up to my mouth.
"well," i said, "looks like we have to take the coach! do we really have another option? if by the look on your face when you got off the phone with philip, he seems pretty ripped off that we're over an hour late, so either we strap the casket to the hood of my car, or we buckle up and take the coach." emily was now turning a slight shade of green and i was wondering if she was going to be up for a little road trip.
as i could see the wheels turning in emily's head, i decided to give her a minute to process what it was that she wanted to do while i went down to get our third traveling companion. i was up in a matter of minutes and emily by then had made her decision. the decision was kind of made for her, because if she stayed, she would have had to help dust the show room... we were indeed going to take this ride together, which meant we very well might have been going down together as well.
as i pulled out of the parking lot, i had every confidence in my ability to maneuver this beast of a vehicle through the downtown streets during a relatively slow afternoon. i didn't, however, have as much confidence in the passenger in the front seat. every time someone turned a corner or we drove past a bus, her nails would dig further into the leather of the arm rests. this was going to be the longest 15 minute drive ever.
when we got to the crematorium, the look of joy on emily's face as she grinned ear to ear was evident to anyone who saw her. clearly i had renewed her faith in me for getting us there in one piece. i won't lie, i was more than impressed with myself as well. it's not the easiest thing to do, drive a hearse. but now i can scratch that off of my bucket list of things to do before i die. check!
3 bell rings and 5 minutes later the back door to the crematorium finally opened. i have never felt such chills run down my spine in my life. emily felt it too, i could tell because she stood frozen where she stood. "you're late." philip said in a low, nasally monotone voice that made me want to trow up in my mouth. '
where is sam?' i thought as philip gave both emily and i the one over with his beady eyes staring at us across the top of his black rimmed glasses. you could see the evil smile start to spread across his lips. "you need to come in and sign the drop off form. it's just back this way." his tone even more nasty than before.
i grabbed emily's arm because there was no way i was going to let this creep of a crem tech near me with a 10 foot pole, but seeing as i had to stand beside him in front of a 4000 degree furnace, emily was indee... '
oh CRAP!' was this really happening? the wheels were turning faster than my mind could process. the series of missing women... no remains found... all gone missing after visiting lost loved ones...
just as that last thought had made its way to my brain, i heard the garage door close and i didn't know what to do next. emily was of absolutely no use to me as she had taken a stance in the corner and was now white as death and tears were streaming down her cheeks, too afraid to make a sound. i did the first thing i thought of and i made a mad dash for the first available maiming tool i could find, and all i could hear was philip's devilish laugh from behind me. he was making his way to emily and i knew i had to act fast.
'
sam, seriously, how could you NOT know that you had a serial killer working for you!' i thought as i scanned the desk for my weapon of choice. '
i know you don't have much to do here, but... oh, new potpourri! citrus this time, nice choice sam... FOCUS, lynette! AHA!!!'
WHAM! philip went to the floor with a thud, emily crumbled at his feet. finally able to breathe again, emily just sighed, unable to find her voice. but then she looked up at me and we were finally on the same page. what were we going to do now? we had a dead crematorium technician with a spade in his ear. that wouldn't go over so well with the boss-man. as i helped emily to her feet, our eyes both fell on the open furnace door. we looked at each other, then down to philip. apparently we had silently agreed on what was going to happen next.
we slid the casket, and philip, into the furnace and turned it on. i mean, what else could we do really? the guy had killed 8 women and from what i knew of him, he had no family so really, no one would miss him. i had heard sam talk about him before and i knew that he was already rethinking hiring him. looked like a win-win to me. i walked out to the office and typed out a letter of resignation from philip to sam, and placed it in an envelop and put in on sam's desk.
when i got back from sam's office, emily was getting some colour back but she still looked like she was about to pass out so i told her to go wait in the coach. just then, sam walked through the doors and he looked rather pleased to see me. "hey little lady! they let you out in the big boy car did they?" he said with a smile. "ha, yah. um, sam. philip told me to tell you that he didn't think he was cut out to do this. he said he left you a resignation letter on your desk." i was surprised i got it out without my voice wavering. "hmm, doesn't really surprise me. i thought he would have at least lasted the year. oh well. no skin off my back. looks like i'll have to find a replacement though. that's gonna suck big time." he started to leave but then turned and looked at me and said, "to tell you the truth, he was a little creepy. dontchya think?" he laughed to himself as he walked out to his office with a cup of tim horton's coffee in one hand and a doughnut in the other.
~*~*~*~*
"so you made it back i see." dennis said as we walked back into the director's den. "what took you so long? i was this close to calling the police." he said with a wink. "but then i realized emily was probably flirting with philip, so i figured you two would need some time to get acquainted." emily just rolled her eyes and walked over to her desk. i could see that she was still shaken up, but she was doing a good job of hiding it from everyone. "mind you, if you did actually start dating him, you do realize that we would all probably kill you before your first date. that guy is the creepiest, wormiest excuse for a crem tech i've ever met." dennis shivered as he thought about how many times philip gave him the creeps. "actually dennis, philip quit today." i said as nonchalantly as i could given what had just happened.
dennis spun around in his chair, and shot me a raised eyebrow. "you didn't throw him in the cremation chamber now did you?" he laughed at his little joke and went back to ordering new supplies.
as i looked around the den at the other director's and emily, i realized that despite everything that had happened today, it was still a beautiful day. and besides, today wasn't a total lose. i finally got to eat my cheesecake! i knew there was a reason i came in today!
the end
author's note: ok, so clearly just a little story to go along with my day on thursday. here is the abridged version: exam; drove the hearse; met creepy "philip"; had homemade chocolate cheesecake. not that interesting of a day, so i figured i'd make it more interesting. hope you enjoyed it! oh ps btw, none of those names are real, just so you know.
