4:33am

it's 12:20am as i start this post. so many things have happened in the last year, some of which i forgot right after they happened, others i won't be able to forget for the rest of my life.

1 year, 4 hours and 13 minutes ago, my dad took his last breathe. standing there next to him as his life literally ended. i remember thinking that it couldn't have really happened. i remember feeling my heart physically breaking. i remember going out to find the nurse to tell her that he was gone. to tell her that my dad was dead.

it was just so unreal. at 8pm he was talking to us, telling us how much he loved us. telling us that he had never once felt abandoned by God. telling us that he had no regrets about his life. no regrets other than 2: the first regret was that he was never going to see his grandchildren grow up. the second was that he was never going to be there to walk me down the aisle. i was lying there on his bed beside him as he looked up at me, with this look like he had somehow let me down.

it was at 4:33am that my dad took his last breathe. it was at 4:33am that i had to say goodbye to my daddy. it was at 4:33am that my life changed. how do you adjust to life without the man who means more to you than anything else it the world? i've been asking myself that for the past year. i mean, how do you get used to something like that? how do you get used to the idea that your dad is dead? all i know is that i will never get used to it.

i love you daddy and i miss you more than the world!